Opening up

There was a blog contest a little while ago that wanted to know what one looks for in a ‘good’ blog. My answer was, a combination of useful info and a true author’s voice (be it humourous or sarcastic or scatterbained, whatever); someone who shares. Well, I’ve been trying to share what I can about the processes of learning to spin on a limited cash/high determination budget, with the usual quota of WIPs and FOs found in your average knitblog. Yet I realize I don’t really share the personal stuff.

It was this ability of bloggers to share their true feelings and frustrations that got me reading blogs in the first place. A few years back I spent an entire day reading the archives of Dooce, and back last fall (was it really only a few months ago?) it was the openness of the Yarn Harlot and Crazy Aunt Purl and January One (this post in particular) that got me well-and-truly hooked on knitblogs. These people out there — these women out there — aren’t all that different form anyone else, save that they can reflect upon the ordinary and bizarre and funny and tragic things that they are living through at any given moment, and still have the presense of mind to write it down and then publish it for all the world to see. That takes guts.

I’m not sure I have that kind of confidence. I know that I’ m still developing my blog-writing style, that I don’t come across as clearly as the narrator in my mind. Beside this Narrator stands the Editor, and behind her is also a bookish girl who never had many friends during school. Even as I write this the Editor says, “you sound cliche, don’t write that” and the girl warns, “don’t tell too much”. But I want to share. I want to develop a blog-voice of my own. I don’t care if I ever get the kind of readership that the women mentioned above have, but I do want to be heard, and I guess before that can happen I need to speak up.

So here it goes.

I am 29 years old. I have a BA in Classics, an Honours BA in Enligsh, and a MA in English as well. Throughout getting these various degrees I have taken time off to work random jobs (from bookstore clerk to dataentry to working with an indie record lable). I’ve been out of school for the better part of a year now, and this week will see the end of a 7-month temp job, the only work I’ve been able to land. And I have no idea what to do next.

[Here is where the Editor cut out a four-paragraph rant about “experience” and the current job-climate.] I know that my temp agency will ensure that we don’t starve, but I want so very much more. I want someone to take a chance on me, to see that my education means I am dedicated and adaptable and worthwhile. I want to have a career, and to start a family after holding off so long, and maybe someday be able to afford a spinning wheel. I want to stop feeling like despite a sucessful marriage and letters behind my name and nice boots on my feet and the ability to turn fluff into socks, that I am a failure.

I don’t know how to affect these changes. I don’t know “what I want to be when I grow up”. I just know that I am smart (so what if it is mostly “book smart”?), and can be hard-working, and want more from my life than this tenuousness.

9 Comments

Filed under meta-blogging, rambling

9 responses to “Opening up

  1. Late bloomers bloom longest and brightest, my dear.

    Empty-sounding words, I know, but this is the mantra I’ve been telling myself for years, and I believe it to be true.

  2. I’m reading. And I enjoy your honesty. Tis nice to know you a bit better.

  3. I really and truly sympathize – as I stare down the final stages of my PhD and try not to crumple under untangible anxieties…It’s hard to be living a more limited life than what you would like to be living. And I also sympathize about finding your blog voice – I think I’m still doing that, too!

  4. I’m reading too, just not saying much. (Am I the only one that finds it hard not to sound really cliche in the comments?) And I’m still finding my blog voice too. Right now it’s pretty much just a journal of what I did the past couple of days, but I find myself thinking of things I want to talk about if only I could find the time and peace of mind.

    Whatever the case, I enjoy stopping in and reading your blog. I hope you find your dream job soon….I have a BA in Literature and never did manage to “use” it although now I’m self-employed and happy that I learned alot about creative writing and thinking. Remember: an education is NEVER wasted!

  5. Knit blogs are so much more than just knitting. We do love to peek inside our ‘friends’ lives and find that real people are there, sharing and caring.
    Good luck in your search for a job. Your confidence and ability will carry you far. Don’t despair!

  6. Thank you for posting that. And thanks for showing your true self..

    I look forward to more..

  7. I’ve always been impressed with your openness and honesty — one of the reasons why I started reading your blog (it was one of the first I read and I loved — and of course still love — it!)

    There is definitely a blog voice coming through your posts — there is a lot of your voice that shows up when I read about your love of fiber. You may not show and tell all always (but how many of us really do?), but there is definitely a wonderfully personal and honest aspect to your writing.

    I totally am with you about the job thing. I went through the same thing after college and then again after grad school. I’d like to say it gets better, but actually things tend to transform themselves instead into something you might not have thought of before.

    BTW — I wonder if combining your love of fiber with your love of words would yield you some job ideas…

  8. Kelly

    I retain my confidence in It Will Be All Right.

  9. It’s so hard to find the balance online, isn’t it? I can relate to the Narrator/Editor/Bookish Girl very well. I was one of those quiet reader types who didn’t fit into the high school thing very well!

    I have an MS in Forest Recreation and another in Rhetoric and Technical Writing… and I’ve worked for 11 years as a systems analyst in telecommunications! You might find yourself on s0me strange paths… Look for opportunities in unexpected places (does that sound like a fortune cookie or what?) – I initially started as a technical writing intern after I convinced one of the executives that the company needed me… and I had the opportunity to talk to said executive because we were in the same community ed karate class…

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